Breathe in….Breathe out….Move on (Anon)
One foot in front of the other. That is what is going through my mind. It has been a very short time since I found out I have breast cancer. My mind is….well honestly it is spinning. I believe in “things happen for a reason” and that there are lessons that I must learn on this journey. But I am still trying to process. I haven’t quite gotten out of the “why me”. This just feels so surreal. It’s funny what can trigger you when trauma happens. When people ask me “How are you?” it is all I can do not to break down and cry. It’s not like they are threatening me or trying to hurt me. When I feel like crying it is because I know that the person in front of me genuinely cares. They really do want to know how I am feeling and I know that they too are hurting. Telling people about my diagnosis has been….frankly horrible. I mean, I want to bring people up, not down! I hate feeling like I have mad someone sad. Oops! There it is! The people pleaser in me. People keep telling me I need to focus on myself. And they are right. But I am always the HELPER not the person who needs the help. This is a really awkward place for me emotionally. My appointment with the breast surgeon is tomorrow. I have heard good things about her.
Ironically, life still has to go on. Yup. My kid’s activities don’t stop simply because I have cancer. Dishes still get dirty and the bathroom still needs cleaning. When I think about that, it makes me smile a bit. I have been watching my kids very closely. Right now they are ok -ish. They know that I have my appointment tomorrow.
It makes me hurt in my heart that their life has now changed…forever. I don’t know if this cancer has spread or if it is big or small. I can’t offer them reassurance that all will be well. They forever have to have in their story that their mother had breast cancer. I won’t lie. I am scared. But when my mind wants to go to the “what ifs”, I stop it. Like Louise Hay says, “It’s only a thought and a thought can be changed”. So I try and think of things to be grateful for. The list is long. My children, husband, and family. My health. I am grateful that my body let me know that there was something up and I am grateful that I trusted my body enough to have it investigated. The support from my colleagues, family, and friends, has been phenomenal. I have a friend who has been through cancer and lives in a different province. As soon as I told her, she came down that very weekend to be with me. How incredible is that?!
So now we wait. Tomorrow will bring me information and that is good. I can work with that.