Blind Faith….. Faith over fear….
These are some of the things that I am repeating to myself as we are driving over to the breast surgeon. It has been exactly one week since I found out that cancer is in my breast. I have done a lot of work towards coming to an understanding that this has become part of my journey. It may not have been a path I was expecting to take ( in fact I have said this past week that I am the last person I thought that would have cancer ). But here it is. And now I have to make a choice. Am I just going to sit and cry and bemoan my situation? Or am I going to walk my talk and have faith. Have faith that I am being taken on this path for a reason. Have faith that whatever treatment I need, I am safe and I will use this experience to become even stronger. I still consider myself a healthy person. I still consider myself strong.
I won’t lie. My heart is hurting. In the back of my mind I wonder if this is my fault. Did I do something to my body that primed it for cancer to grow? Was I so callous and carefree with my body that I didn’t notice that something wasn’t right? I thought I had been fairly good to my body. I thought…
Of course, it was my body that alerted me to the fact that something wasn’t right. I still remember that when I first noticed that my nipple had gone flat, there was a little tickle in the back of my mind. I knew I needed to see a doctor but wasn’t sure what was going on. I knew something was up because my body had just felt like it was letting down milk and I haven’t had that sensation for almost 11 years. I guess it is very good that I trusted myself and had faith in that little voice….that little tickle in my head. But my heart still hurts.